Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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