My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize