first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This is the high leading the old right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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