the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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