I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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