He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
