Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
