he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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