Plan B is the new Plan A
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
