I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
