I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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