"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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