Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
