So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
