we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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