I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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