just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
