I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
