She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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