I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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