I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
