I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize