I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
