btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
