my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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