I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize