You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
