I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
