If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
