R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
