I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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