The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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