I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize