He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
