I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You are a genius and a whore.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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