Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm at about main and main street
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
