i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
