i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
