a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
