guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
