Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
