Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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