Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
