to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
