Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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