Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im holly from the hills drunk
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
