did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
