You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
