I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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