Apparently you make a good broom.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
