So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
