My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
