You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
