Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize