Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
