Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
