i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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