my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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