Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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