Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
