I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
