why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
