how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
