I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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