T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
