Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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